Grateful

Many of you know the roller coaster ride this pregnancy has been. There have been lots of incredibly sad moments with all indications pointing to a demise. Most of it has been filled with long periods of trepidation and walking on egg shells, wanting to hope for a healthy outcome but knowing the end could come at any time. The doctors made it clear that there was no way to predict whether we would carry long enough to the point of viability, but with each week we could hope a little more. They said they hoped we made it to 28 weeks. Now we are on the crest of that milestone, and I'm just so grateful to still be carrying and still have the chance to welcome another baby. If this experience has taught me anything, it's that we can't control everything, and sometimes we just can't get what we want in life. I guess I've been one who took for granted that if I took care of my body, I could do what I wanted with it (in terms of having a family, etc). But life has proven otherwise. There's a good chance the doctors will have to do a hysterectomy right after we deliver. It appears the placenta is physically growing into the uterine wall, and when that happens natural separation (after delivery) can be impossible, in which case the entire uterus must be taken out to avoid life-threatening blood loss. This development has been an extremely hard pill for me to swallow. I always imagined myself having a large family, so the thought of undergoing a hysterectomy when I wanted to try for more feels devastating. There is still the chance that somehow we will defy the odds and the placenta will detach on its own (saving the uterus), but it's difficult to ignore the very real probability looming in front of us. I try to focus on what we've been able to do and remember that the Lord already knows the outcome and the desires of our heart. I do feel so grateful to still be pregnant and have the chance to have this baby. It feels like a true miracle.